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Title: How to Fail Spectacularly in Love and Lust
Author: blucougar57
Summary: Gwen lusts after Jack and touches alien tech. Chaos ensues.
Rating: T / PG
Warnings: Borderline crack-fic; definitely not Gwen-friendly; possible interspecies intimacy at some point.

Part 2

Ianto noticed the light first. True to form, Jack was too busy focused right at that moment on a particularly sensitive spot on his throat to notice anything. Loathed though he was to interrupt his lover, they just couldn’t take the chance that something was about to blow up the Hub and, given what they dealt with on a daily basis, that possibility wasn’t so far beyond the realms of logic.



“Jack... stop...”

Lord love him, it was the one word that Jack responded to without fail, no matter how disappointed he was, and no matter how advanced in his ministrations he might be. If there was one thing that Jack was above and beyond anything, it was a considerate lover.

With a reluctant moan, Jack detached himself from Ianto’s throat.

“What’s wrong?”

“Out there,” Ianto mumbled, struggling to get his brain back in gear. “Light. In the Hub.”

With an annoyed grunt, Jack went to investigate. Cursing silently, Ianto followed close behind.

* * *

Whatever degree of pre-coital bliss Jack had been in, it evaporated quickly when he emerged from his office to the near-blinding strobe lights from the device on Tosh's desk. Cursing loudly, in a language that Ianto was positive was not from Earth, Jack ran for the device. He was just reaching carefully to turn it off when Ianto appeared opposite him, similarly reaching out.

"Ianto, no, don't!" Jack shouted, but it was too late. Their hands alighted on the device at the same instant, and the instant that they did it suddenly seemed to switch off.

"There, no harm done," Ianto said with a relieved smile that quickly faded as he registered the dismay and resignation on his lover's face. "Jack...?"

"Brace yourself," Jack warned him. "And hopefully it won't last too long."

Ianto never had a chance to ask what would hopefully not last too long. In the next instant, the device suddenly exploded with a searing red light that engulfed both men. Two voices could be heard screaming briefly in pain, and then there was silence.

* * *

Ianto awoke slowly, immediately conscious of a horrible ache that seemed to permeate his entire body.

He had an unbearable urge to stretch, but the moment he attempted to do so the ache flared into very real pain. He moaned, and abruptly felt chills through his body as what came out of his mouth was not an actual moan, but a strange sort of yowl.

He lay frozen, willing his heartbeat to slow down. Panicking would do no good at all, especially when he still had to work out what had happened.

What had happened?

He and Jack had been busy entertaining themselves with each other when...? That's right, the device on Tosh's desk mysteriously activated. He and Jack came out to stop it, and they had touched it at the same time. The device had exploded with blinding white light, and then...

Nausea filled Ianto. If he and Jack had swapped bodies again...

He tried moving again, and at the same time called for Jack, except again, what came out of his mouth was a bizarre yowl instead of a human voice. It was at that point that he finally noticed the furry paws that were where his hands should have been.

Ianto was not ordinarily one to panic. After all, he'd once been the victim of a gender body swap, and had once even had the dubious fortune of swapping bodies briefly with Jack, so waking up in a body different than his own shouldn't have been too much of a trauma. Never before, though, had he had the misfortune to wake up in body that, as well as not being his own, was also clearly not human.

With a howl of fright, Ianto shot up off the floor, residue ache be damned, and the first thing that registered was that he was standing on four legs rather than two. The second was that he appeared to be covered in dark brown fur. His third discovery came in the form of a long, sleek tail that whipped around to the side, just within the realms of his peripheral vision.


He desperately wanted to swear out loud but whatever he'd been turned into, and he was starting to get a nasty suspicion about that, apparently had no capability for human speech.

Whatever he was, he was approximately one fifth of his former height, and found himself craning his head to try and see the device where it still sat on Tosh's desk. As near as he could tell, it was once again dormant. At any rate, the flashing lights had stopped, so it was a moderately safe assumption that it could do no more harm for the time being.

Deciding that it was time to confront the situation head on, Ianto looked around for a reflective surface, and finally settled on the water tower. He headed over, stumbling a little as he tried to mentally adjust to walking on four legs instead of two, and found himself balking at actually stepping into the water at the base of the tower. Mentally grimacing, because he was pretty sure he couldn't do it physically, Ianto forced himself to overcome a sudden aversion to getting wet, and stepped into the shallow pool.

Another yowl escaped him involuntarily as he suddenly found himself up to his neck in water, with his feet barely touching the bottom. Barely avoiding panic, he got his two paws up onto the metal ramp and, with a force of will that he wasn't previously aware that he had, pulled himself out of the water.

Okay, so he was apparently shorter than he'd assumed. Bugger.

Wet, cold and feeling more stressed with every passing minute, Ianto made his way around to a spot where he could see his reflection in the tower without actually entering the water. What he saw brought him up short, even though his mind had started to suspect as much.

Staring back at him was the face and body of a cat.

A bloody cat. Fur, pointy ears, whiskers, tail, the works.


Ianto moaned, and again the sound came out as a miserable yowling whine. He wanted to cry, but didn't even have that option. The only glimmer of hope he had was in the memory of Jack's words before the device activated. He'd said to hope it didn't last too long, which meant that Jack didn't expect the effects to be permanent...

Ianto looked around sharply. Where was Jack? Shaking off the worst of the water, Ianto began to make his way around the floor of the Hub, looking for his erstwhile lover and wondering if he, too, had been changed into a cat. As he searched, uttering the occasional yowl, he couldn't help but wonder what cat sex might be like, and immediately wanted to smack himself in the head for thinking it. Apparently Jack had had more of an influence on his psyche than even he realised.

Rounding the corner, Ianto decided to make his way up to the first level balustrade, where he would hopefully have a better view of the Hub. Jack had to be there somewhere, but his current stature wasn't exactly helpful to him.

He'd made it up the steps with slowly growing confidence in his own physical ability and agility and was halfway around when a familiar screech sent chills through his body. Looking up, he spotted Myfanwy circling overhead, and he knew without a doubt that the pteranodon was watching him.

He yowled loudly, desperately wishing he had some means of communicating. All those movies that depicted animals having a universally shared language were a load of rubbish, he thought bitterly.

Myfanwy shrieked again, and suddenly dove towards him.

Driven by panic and desperation, Ianto shot forward, praying he didn't stumble over his own paws as he ran for his life. He heard a heavy thud, and the entire walkway shook as Myfanwy landed heavily behind him, but he didn't stop. If he could just get into Jack's office, he'd be able to slip down the manhole into Jack's sleeping area. Myfanwy was far too big to go down there, and he'd be safe until she decided to give up and return to her eyrie. He just had to get there.

He reached the stairs and ran down them, thanking whatever deity was listening that he didn't trip in the process.

Ianto charged across the floor. He could see the door to Jack's office, and was almost there when sharp claws grabbed him in a vice-like grip and he felt himself lifted clean into the air and thrown several metres across the Hub floor.

He rolled across the concrete, and slammed into one of the desks. Stunned, Ianto lay there as he tried to mentally reboot. Instinct screamed at him to move, to get under cover, away from Myfanwy before she came back to finish him off, but he couldn't make himself move. He was vaguely aware of the pteranodon's shadow passing back and forth over him – probably deciding whether to take him back to her nest, or just eat him right there – and braced himself as she dove towards him once more...

* * *

to be continued...

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